tormentedeyes: (the plotbunnies! they're EVIL)
[personal profile] tormentedeyes
Title: A Great (Mis)Adventure!
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 1,616
Disclaimer: Hello all! I'm Eric Idle, former Python and creator of Spamalot! I'm writing this little story not for my own amusement, you know! Pay money to read this! I need to eat, you hear! ...

Okay, if you bought that, you have serious problems, mate. I own nothing!
Summary: While on their way to enlist, Robin and Lancelot encounter one of their most feared foes. Well... not exactly, but close!
A/N: I have no excuse for this. Blame it on boredom and the vicious plot bunny look at its teeth!

Today we find the Soon-to-be-Known-as-Sir-Robin, the-Not-Quite-So-Brave-as-Sir-Lancelot in a not so very expensive forest. It is on this day that our dear Robin must face the greatest challenge of all his yesterdays and tomorrows. It is a day unlike any other day, for on this day, a nice, breezy, sunny day – not many of those days, mind you – that will be a day that goes down in the history of days as a great day in Robin's life, which he still has many, many days more to come. This day – !

Attention: The person responsible for the less than exciting rant has been taken out back and stabbed repeatedly with a butter knife to the point of certain death. There was a lot a blood, folks. Don't think you would've liked that. Though, I suppose you over there would. Sicko. Now, on with the tale of Robin's great (mis)adventure of peril as he encounters his most horrid, gruesome, and feared enemy...

Robin walked warily through the forest. He could feel that something was amiss. Simply put, he was scared like a wee little lass.

“Blast that Lancelot!” The blond soon-to-be knight muttered. “Does he need to chase after everything that could be killed?” He stopped for a moment to consider his own question. Shaking his head with a sigh, he continued blindly into the heart of the forest.

That's when he first caught a glimpse of it: a sliver of blazing, unnatural light slipping behind the trees. Robin froze, a chill crawling its way down his spine.

“What in Musical Theory was that?” He questioned quietly, feet frozen in place. Nothing happened for a few moments – and I do mean nothing. No birds chirping, no critters moving about, no wind blowing, not even flowers blooming. Nothing. Nada. Zip. Zilch. Other words for nothing.

Taking in a shaky breath, Robin cautiously moved on. The forest seemed to darken, intent on making our poor Robin piss himself. But he did not! He was brave! He was mighty! He was – !

“What in bloody hell was that?!” Robin cried, ducking behind a bush. ...Alright, maybe he's not quite so brave. The blond peeked out, eyes nervously scanning the area. He did not like this one bit.

“I do not like this one bit.” Robin muttered. (See, I told you.) He shakily stepped out from behind the bush. Swallowing rather anxiously, he began to move again. He had stepped not three paces when he was struck still by a cooing sound. He blinked.

The cooing was very soft, almost lullaby-ish. If Robin weren’t so alarmed that he couldn’t move, he’d have fallen asleep where he stood. Then, just as abruptly it began, the noise stopped. Robin did not dare to move.

“Robin…” An airy whisper called. The blonde’s eyes widened. Go away! He thought. Just go away! “Robin…” The voice muttered sweetly.

He waited. Nothing happened, and all was quiet. Then a gentle wind blew, causing Robin to shiver. The breeze kept up, but it seemed to only affect him. Everything else was still. It was a warm breeze, a slight relief from the coldness that had began to take hold of the forest prior, yet Robin did not feel comforted. On the contrary, he felt uneasy and chilled. What was the cause of such unnatural behavior?

As if to answer his silent question, something moved off to his left. Robin tensed, still unable to move a single fiber of his being. The figure came into view. Robin gasped: it was a woman!

A woman with lengthy, flowing sky blue hair, long and slender legs, and clad only in a single cloth that hugged her body, showing every curve of her perfect figure. Her face was round, heart-shaped, her cheeks were rosy and her eyes the clearest violet. As she walked further toward him, she smiled sweetly, showing off white and perfect teeth. She stopped a yard away from him. Robin paled.

“Robin…” She murmured pleasantly, “I’ve been waiting for you.” She giggled. “My name is Amethyst Sky Rainbow Forest Mystic RedRose, LLLXXXXVIII. Won’t you please come with me?” She said smoothly, never needing to pause for breath.

Robin didn’t know what to do. Out of seemingly nowhere, this beautiful woman (With the unusually long ass name, I might add.) appears and beckons him over yonder. She was supposed to be a calming sight, but Robin felt anything but calm. Her presence chilled his being; he wanted nothing to do with her.

Amethyst Sky Rainbow – bollocks, I'm not saying it all! – moved closer, her arm outstretched toward Robin. The poor boy swallowed, drawing all his strength just to back away. The unnatural bluenette seemed to let a frown appear on her face for a split second as she watched Robin move away from her, but it was gone in an instant.

“Robin,” she cooed, “do not be afraid. Come with me.” Closer still she moved, causing the blonde to back into a tree. Oh sweet, Sondheim! He was trapped! He could do nothing as she closed the distance between them easily. She giggled, drawing her arms around his neck. Robin shuddered; he did not like where this was going.

“Oh, Robin,” she gushed, “we were meant to find each other! Kiss me, Robin...” She smiled as she leaned in, puckering her lips. Robin was frozen. He couldn't do anything but let the siren kiss him. With those violet orbs never leaving his eyes, her lips came dangerously close to his.

“Halt, you fiendish being!” Robin didn't know what was going on; it happened so fast. First, that siren was leaning in for the kill, and then she was replaced... with Lancelot's back? What the bloody hell?

“Who are you?!” The Amethyst lady demanded, holding her left arm. “Why do you interfere with us?!” She questioned, the soft, sweet coo lost from her voice. Instead, it was fierce and threatening. Robin cowered. Lancelot did not. (Good for him! Bitch needs fighting...)

“I am Lancelot! And I've come to rescue my comrade from the likes of you, you evil witch!” Lancelot raised his shovel, preparing to strike. The siren blinked once before she smiled a cruel, twisted grin. She looked more menacing than ten horned, fire-breathing dragons. Robin whimpered as Lancelot stood taller.

“You will not take him from me. He is mine.” She placed both arms at her sides, clenching her fists. Her eyes seemed to glow.

“My boot he is.” Lancelot stated, gripping his shovel with both hands. He braced himself as the bluenette neared slightly closer. Robin watched as the two stood in a stand still for a few moments, neither moving the tiniest inch. The siren's face contorted into anger.

“Why are you not affected? You are a man!” She shouted, pointing her finger to the dark brunette. She glanced at Robin, earning a quiver from the blonde. She smirked before turning her attention back to Lancelot.

“I am not so easily swayed.” Lancelot stated smugly. Robin narrowed his eyes. Sure, he isn't. (I agree with Robin, for the record.) “Now, wench, prepare yourself!” He raised his shovel and lunged forward.

The bluenette was about to counterattack when Lancelot swiftly whacked her in the face. She fell back, bewildered. Lancelot raised his shovel higher and brought it down on her head repeatedly –

(Censored due to the upmost cruelty being inflicted on this “Mary Sue.” What? You didn't know that's what she is? The friggin' long name should've clued you in, mate! ...Quite the sight, though, folks. My goodness, Lancelot must have a good golf swing... ANYway...)

Lancelot placed the shovel over his shoulder, a look of satisfaction on his face as he eyed the puddle of crimson and innards before him. (What a sight, indeed.) He turned around to find Robin leaning against the tree, mouth agape and eyes wide. “Alright there, Robin?”

“Yeah. Sure.” The blonde answered, eyes never leaving the pile of broken flesh. (My boot he is.) “Just... need a moment.”

“Okay, then.” Lancelot nodded. He walked over to the paralyzed blonde. He waved his hand in front of Robin's face. No response, not even a blink. He needed to get some type of reaction out of the blonde. So, Lancelot did the next thing that came to his mind. He leaned in and kissed him. (Oh my!)

He pulled back. Nothing had happened. So he tried again, this time with more urgency. It worked; Robin blinked. Why the hell is Lancelot kissing me? Robin pulled away, confusion on his face. (Boy should be happy. Lancelot is a fine ass man, that he is.)

“Ah, good! You're alright, Robin!” Lancelot stated happily as, without thinking, he leaned in to kiss the blonde once again. Robin gasped, which only allowed Lancelot's tongue to enter his mouth. Robin couldn't fight (COUGH didn't COUGH) as Lancelot's hands caressed his face.

Robin's heart raced as Lancelot tilted his head back, kissing him deeper and with more passion than Robin had ever felt. To his relief, the need for air became too great, so Robin happily pushed Lancelot away. (That's a lie! The boy was upset beyond all belief to stop!) The two stood there, slightly panting, for a while. Then Lancelot picked up his shovel and smiled.

“Well, let us be off then!” He exclaimed as he rushed forward, pulling Robin with him. Robin nearly tripped as he was yanked forward.

“Where are we going?” He demanded. Lancelot smirked as he looked at the blonde. Robin gulped.

(And that, folks, ends Robin's little tale. As for where they're going... That's another story altogether.)

< insert evil laughter here >

August 2015

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