So. It's come to my attention that I'm an idiot.
Maybe not in the book smarts sense but in the other senses.
I was with a friend watching a chick flick, one I'd already seen. I found myself smiling throughout the whole thing, and not because I found the movie funny or predictable (though it was). I was actually enjoying it. By the time the movie ended, though, I wanted to cry. Again, not because they got their happy ending but because I wanted my own, and I know I'm never going to get it.
I probably could, if I actually put forth the effort (I've had my share of partners and offers). Therein lies the problem, however: I don't put forth the effort. I don't really even try.
It's not like I don't care about those I date – I do – it's just that I'm... unable to? Scared to? I don't even know, really. Just something in me doesn't allow for me to go forward in my relationships, to make them work.
I think I can't, actually. I'm just not designed like that.
I'm more like a servant than anything else, which is equally if not more idiotic.
If you're my friend – as in, a good, close, true friend – I'll basically be at your beck and call. Thinking about it right now, it's kind of scary how much of a slave I am. I would literally do anything for certain friends... All they need do is ask.
I didn't think I was this submissive; I fancied myself the dominant one in most of my relationships. In simple term, I was the “boy.” But looking back, I only assumed that role because that's what my partner wanted. And most of the people I've dated weren't looking for anything serious.
... I was aching today, too. The same friend with whom I watched the chick flick asked me if I really had to leave. I felt an overwhelming urge to say “No, I don't. I can stay” but then she laughed and said we'll see each other during the summer.
If it had been another friend, and they were not joking, I seriously would have found a way to cancel my flight and stay. If they asked me to stay in the parish and not return to Colgate, I'd do it. I'd throw away my grant and education and possibly my future to stay. Without question.
If they want something, I'll try my best to get it, whatever it may be. I'll even pay for them, buy them shit. Maybe they don't want me to, but I'll do it anyway in the off chance the gesture would please them. Some would insist they'll pay me back, but I swear it's no problem, even though my mind tells me it wouldn't hurt to have more money. But, then again, I'll only use it on my friends. Thinking on it, I hardly ever use my money for me...
Sometimes, I wonder and worry what would happen if my friends found out this idiotic fact about me. Would they try to test it? Would they laugh in my face? Would they think less of me? And the one question that strikes me the most, would I even care if they did these things?
The answer is frightening to me. No, I wouldn't. I'd still be theirs. A slave. Tied to them through a bond that formed over time and strengthened when I wasn't looking.
I know of one friend who would most likely take advantage of my little trait. Dos – as I will call this friend – would probably have me running around, doing tasks, trying to push my limit, trying to test how far I'll go. And the worst part is, Dos is so high in my eyes that I'll probably take it and do whatever is directed of me. Because through some twisted idea of fate, I've fallen in love with Dos.
I don't even know how that works, seeing as I'll never tell Dos this (unless Dos asks me if there's anyone I like, in which case I'll have no choice but to confess because it's unthinkable for a slave to lie to its master). I never tell anyone I like I like them. I just quietly serve. If they approach me, I'll date them. But not a lot of people want a servant. It might seem like a perfect idea to have someone waiting on you, adoring you, ready to do anything you ask, but from experience, it's not what people want.
(For the record, I'm only a “real servant” to those I date if they were my friends before the relationship started. Not that it makes my position any better...)
It's not healthy. I know this. But I can't break it. I've tried, believe you me. But something always happens – one of them is hurt, threatened, heartbroken, bored – and I'm at their side, protective (did I mention I'll get into death like fights for my friends if I think they're being abused or threatened?) and obedient, instantly.
... I probably wrote a bunch of nonsense that no one will understand, if anyone reads it at all...
Ugh. I don't know. I'm just tired.